Saturday, September 21, 2013

Things You Should Probably Stop Posting to Social Media... Now.

I haven't blogged in a while which is a tragedy for all 8 of you who look forward to the gifs that have nothing to do with the drunken, incoherent ramblings I mutter around on this page.

My bad.

But I haven't really been doing anything blog-worthy.  Since I'm dating the Cajun, I don't go on other dates, since I'm not a slut and I love my boyfriend and all of that good shit... so you don't see any date stories...and other than the random weekends where we take exciting trips to places like Wisconsin, St. Louis, and OHIO, most of my life involves drinking and watching sports.

But as I was scrolling through the Facebooks, zoned out and completely unaware that I was clicking on people's profiles and pictures until I was 47 photos through an album of some girl I don't even know, but decided we need to be best friends since I'm pretty sure her Michael Kors bag is my spirit animal and I like her shoes, I realized that there is some shit people need to stop fucking posting on the internet.

Allow me to make a list...and for you to enjoy.  Feel free to add your own.

Photos of naked babies and naked kids.

I don't post pictures of my pink canoe and there are no photos (to my knowledge) of me on the internet, bare chested smiling for the camera.  And if any guys started Brett Favring themselves and posting dick pics to Facebook and Twitter, there would be an uproar and the photo would be flagged.

So then why is it ok for people to post pictures of their naked children?  I don't give two fucks and a fishbowl that you just squeezed 8 pounds and 7 ounces of a human being through your crotch waffle. It does not give you the right to post a picture of your newborn son, naked, on social media.  I do not want to see your pride and joy's coin-purse when I open up my newsfeed.  Especially if I haven't had coffee yet.  Jesus.

Save that shit for the baby albums and to show off to whomever your kid has the pleasure of dating when they're in high school.  No one wants to look at your offspring's tan banana.  Or their pudding canyon (if you have a daughter).  That shit is traumatizing for everyone involved.

And if you're posting brand-spanking-new-newborn photos, we need to have a chat, Teen-Mom.  Because I'm pretty sure your ass needs to be in the moment with your child, your partner, and your family rather than trying to fucking figure out which Instagram feature will best mask your new kid's post-vaginal-canal crusties and cone-shaped head.   Save that shit for later and I some bonding. an aside, stop commenting on newborns that the kid is "so handsome" or "absolutely beautiful".  No.  Newborns look like naked mole rats, and you're lying.  Stop lying.  Just say congratulations and move on.

214 pictures of the SAME DAMN THING

This applies to two categories: food and kids.

Before I begin, I should admit that I'm a little guilty of this.   Since I don't have kids, I love to cook, and I'm not awful at throwing together a dinner, sometimes I take pictures of my food.

It's foodporn and I want YOU my viewer, to take a look at this motherfucking scallop dish I just made and be so inspired by my photo you beg me for the recipe or whip out your culinary dick and start food-beating off to my picture of the most perfectly seared motherfucking scallops since Eric Ripert decided to pick up a pan and cook some shit  (Food joke, whores....look him up.  Then look up his accent.  Panty dropper for the ladies).

But when I start posting 87 pictures of the same cupcake, or 21 pictures of my super awesome grilled chicken and green bean dinner,  shoot me in the face.

The same goes for pictures of people's kids.    Maybe since I don't have  kids I can't fully appreciate what joy a germ infested ankle biter can bring to me.  One day I hope to spawn something as sarcastic and kickass as myself...but until then, I'll just sit back and judge everyone else's life choices...bottle of wine in hand.

And I get it - you love the SHIT out of your kids. That's cool. That's being a parent. You should at least tolerate your kids 15% of the time. I feel that's something important.

But that doesn't mean the rest of the world cares about seeing an album full of your kid doing... absolutely nothing.

Oh look!  It's 34 pictures of Henry in a high chair...he's drooling on himself and unaware it's his first birthday, but who cares? Everyone's going to comment about how good looking he is and then I can feel popular and validated from my child.

Shit Darlene is cute with those 17 pictures of her posing with a pumpkin.  Sure she's barely 20-weeks-old, but the drool on her chin and that glazed over "I just shit myself" look REALLY make the picture. This is going to be something to really remember when she gets older.  I'm glad I could capture the moment.

Selfies with Your Kid

I can't get over this one.  I can't even tell you how many pictures I see on my feed of people with their kids posting selfies of them in their car.... or in a mirror doing absolutely nothing.

Fuck, people.  FUCK.

Here's the difference between a regular selfie and a selfie with your toothless spawn.


You're a duckface away from people thinking you're close to entering your kid into a beauty pageant.  You think your kid is the most beautiful thing to grace this earth since a double rainbow.  You have pride in your child.  But there is absolutely no difference between you posting a picture of yourself and you posting a selfie with your kid doing something completely mundane.

Cool, man.  Your kid is SUPER SWEET in their car seat, sippy cup in hand, on the way to mammaws place.


You go places with your child!  Yeah!  Parent of the year 2013 for your 14-month-old.  You did a stellar job buckling them in appropriately and you should be recognized as such.

But I have an idea.  Why not put your iPhone down, start your damn car, be alert while you drive, and pay attention to your child instead of feeling the need to document what you do with your kid every 22 seconds?

Question: Are you trying to convince your friends that you spend quality time with your child... or yourself?

Safety first and beep beep, motherfucker.  Stop. Just.....stop.

Comments About How Your Life Sucks

We get it.  Life isn't always monkeys dancing with toothbrushes.  It's not a long montage of frolicking in fields of vodka and unicorns.  Sometimes life sucks harder than a two dollar hooker on the first of the month.

But posting vague statuses isn't going to make you any friends or make anyone feel sympathetic for you... especially if you talk about how your life sucks every day.  And if you do post a "you're so awful!  Why do I even let you in my life?"  status, mysteriously calling someone out and someone else replies with a "who?" and you refuse to talk about it?

Well then I have officially been given the green light to punch you in the head... with my car.

And if your life sucks that bad,  why not actually do something about it instead of whining on Facebook or Twitter or posting stupid fucking pictures on Instagram of you with some shitty black and white filter because that's how your life is... soooooo dark and dreary.   #fuckoff

Just.  Stop being an emo dickbag and go outside. Be productive. Pet a puppy.

Anything involving Reposting, Jesus, Reposting for Jesus...and How Much You Love or Hate Obama

So you're riding on the Trolly for God sitting shotgun next to Tim "Football Jesus" Tebow himself.  Roger that. You love yourself some Psalms and you're down with John 3:16.  You are so very religious I should call you Pope Facebook IV.  You and Jesus would go on a magical journey if you could.

One thing people like less than getting religion shoved in their faces?

A festering case of ass herpes.

There's not much else.  Those two are on the same plane.  And probably, if you take a poll about people's views of Hitler and Bin Laden vs. Facebook Jesus Posts, I'd say the Jesus posts are far more hated.

Could be off a little...just a tiny bit though.

I just don't understand why people feel the need to prove how religious they are.  What the tits?  Do you think that if you share a picture of Jesus that will make you more worthy of not going to hell once you die?

Sure you might be the biggest slutbucket this side of Las Vegas.  You may spend your time being an adulterous buttpirate, cheating on your taxes, and just generally being a racist and homophobic fuckknuckle, but by golly, you shared that photo of Jesus praying and you have a quote from the bible on your Facebook wall, so that must mean you're a good person.

Maybe not.


I think everyone can agree that our current president isn't exactly doing a great job.  He's not winning any awards with conflict resolution, and our economy hasn't exactly bounced back from the huge hits it had taken over these last few years.

And you may not be a fan.


At least do some research before you repost about how Obama isn't an American, wants to change the National Anthem, had a non-US passport back in the '80s, how he doesn't salute the flag, and other bullshit.

Your reposts go to show everyone else just how much of an ignorant person you really are.  And really, that's what you're showing everyone else.  I'm not telling you to drink the koolaid and jump on the bandwagon if you're not happy with our government. Just use some common sense.

And I think when it comes to social media, we can all just use some fucking common sense when it comes to posting.  Just look at your post and really think about whether or not this is something appropriate or if it's obnoxious.

Example? This post is super obnoxious and highly inappropriate.  But then again... I just don't care.

So suck it. :)