Monday, October 6, 2014

Pinterest Fail: This Pastry looks like a Penis.

Between my Betty Crocker Cookbook, the Family Recipe cookbook my mom put together and gave me for Christmas one year, my knowledge from Culinary school, working in a few restaurants and Pinterest, I don't think I would ever starve.

God Bless Pinterest.

I love sorting through pins.  The perfectly photographed, beautifully put together pins that make everything look so effortless.  I'll look at a golden croissant stuffed with whatever filling the pinner has thrown together and think, "well fuck it.  I can do that and I'm only a half a bottle of wine in."

I get Pinspiration (ha!) from the crisp chevron lines of a kitchen backsplash and I want to run out and do my whole fucking apartment in chevron because doesn't it just look so chic?

Oh and I know that if I nail some Ikea bookshelves together and paint one side of it with chalkboard paint I can turn make the greatest damn bookshelf this side of the  Mississippi that will turn my slum-lord apartment into a home.

Fuck yes, Pinterest. I will do this shit.

So I venture off to the store, gather whatever materials I need to make that shit happen, and get down to business.

Most of the time whatever I make turns out nothing fucking like what I saw on the board.  NOTHING.  And no amount of Photoshop will turn my 3-year-old-with-a-seizure attempt into creative genius.

I once tried to make a Gluten-Free, Atkins-Friendly Pineapple upside down cake I found on Pinterest.   While my kitchen smelled like pineapple-cake-heaven, when I took that bad boy out of the oven and flipped it over, it resembled an old, soggy kitchen sponge and tasted like feet.   Nope. No thanks.

So needless to say when Chris (while actually surfing imgur), found a photo of a pastry-filled croissant that I had seen on Pinterest a while back and he requested I make the damn thing, I figured "why the fuck not?"  and gathered my supplies.

And while this wasn't a full-on Pinterest-fail, it certainly didn't turn up as glorious as the picture led me to believe it would turn out.

So without further adeiu, here's my Pin-Journey into "what the fuck did I just make?"

Some Fucking Blueberry and Cream Cheese Filled Croissant Thing

Here's what your food is supposed to look like when you're finished

And here's what you'll need in order to make this golden-brown addonis happen.

Package Pillsbury Crescent Recipe Creations dough (find it with the other croissants)
1 package cream cheese (I used whipped....get fancy and use whatever you want)
Pie filling (I used blueberrry)

1. Gather your supplies and preheat your oven according the crescent package directions.
Armed and ready

2. Roll out your crescent dough on a work surface you've lightly sprayed with non-stick spray.  Make that shit a square.
That's about a square as it is a fucking triangle.
What is happening with my life?

3. Cut strips along the sides about 1" apart, 1/3 of the way to the middle.
My strips might be a little off...

4. Lay down a thin layer of cream cheese in the center of your dough.  On top of the cream cheese, spread your pie filling.
So far so good...

5. Taking the top left strip, cross it down and over the filling.  Now take the top right strip and cross it down and over the filling and the left strip.  Repeat with the next left strip and then the right, forming a braid.

6. Place your braided wonder on a nonstick cookie sheet and bake slightly longer than the package directions, about 15-17 minutes. 
Is that what I think it is?

7.  Let cool slightly.  And then NOM NOM NOM. very own Pastry-Penis

If you're looking for the actual Pinterest pin, look no further than here.

And because it's fancy,  here's a side-by-side comparison of what I was going for, and my resulted phallic-desert.

Magic.  Just pure magic here, folks.

Oh, and if you're asking why my result looks like it has some random strips of croissant dough over it, it's because after I braided it all up nice and pretty, some of the filling started falling out.  So. I threw a croissant-dough bandaid on that shit and now it looks like something from The Mummy.  That's what it is. It's a Mummy penis.

God dammit. This is why I don't bake.

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